Friday, January 20, 2017

Sifting Through Life: Ain't Gonna Drown

Ain't Gonna Drown, by Elle King is the first song I heard tonight. This after I sat down from a very long and emotional day. I thought I might drown this morning from a heavy heart. I didn't want to relive the day of the election. That was a hard day for me. Today was hard for me too. I have accepted the fact that my candidate did not win but it didn't happen over night. I thought today would be easier.

It wasn't.

I wrestled with what I should do today. I wanted to watch but I didn't want to watch the events unfold as the transition of power from Obama was handed to Trump. In the end, I decided to watch the events this morning. I wanted to hear first hand what his message to America would be and how it would be delivered, in his own voice. I didn't want to see clips on the evening news. I'm not exactly sure what I had hoped to hear but I can tell you I turned the TV off feeling confused. I wrestled with what I had just heard. His message was not what I had hoped to hear from my future president.

Cory and I had to drive to Corvallis today. It was a quiet drive. Forty-five minutes with a few words exchanged about work. We met Drake and ate lunch. Hurried to a few stores. Then back in the car for the return drive home. I was still somber but we started to talk. Words began to get heated and a debate ensued about how we should move forward as a family with Trump as President.

I'm a passionate person. I wear the hearts of others deeply within my soul. If others hurt then I hurt. If others cry then I cry. I feel people. I feel things. Today I felt a pit in my stomach and one in my heart and they both wanted to explode. We had an explosion but it wasn't my heart or my stomach.

My mouth exploded. I unleashed my frustration, my hurt, my feelings of helplessness, and defeat. The flood gates opened and everything came pouring out. He got an earful. My thoughts are not his thoughts. His opinions are his own. We don't always agree 100% about how politics needs to be handled but we do agree on Trump. It's just that our approach to how we handle the next four years is different.

He is prepared to ride out this presidency for four years. He doesn't like Trump but doesn't feel the need to change anything because he believes that it will all be over soon than later. My thoughts are, what if its not over and we sat back and watched instead of trying? It does affect our family in my opinion, therefore, I believe we should stand up and let our voices be heard. This is because Trumps voice and policies affect our kids and their choices and lifestyle choices.

Oh-- Cory is so different than I when it comes to handling this type of stuff.

I am prepared to do what I can to get involved. I want to march tomorrow at our local gathering. I crocheted a pink hat to support women. I feel like I need to be active in finding a solution to bridge this divide that we find ourselves in. I want to be an example to my three girls and our son. I want them to see us as examples of standing up for the rights of others. I want them to have a strong voice and a deep conviction of looking after those less fortunate. I want change. I want diversity.

Cory is a patient man. This year we will have been married 29 years. He has seen me take on many issues. Maybe he's tired. I should be tired but the fire is burning bright and I can't rest. I can't sleep. I'm trying to figure out how to not let this consume me.

Half way through the car, I folded for the moment. I said I will move forward with a quiet heart and silent mouth. I don't want to fight today. I especially don't want to fight with Cory. He is my best friend. I will find my way and he will find his way of dealing with this new norm that our country finds themselves deep within. My family values will stay the same even if our political experience over the next four years will not. Politics has always been and probably always will be a hot topic for us. In my mind, he was right.  I was at an 11 on a scale of 1-10, ready to go to battle and he is sitting quietly at a 5.  He loves my passion but doesn't understand the urge to meet me at my 11.  We're not perfect and know that we have work to do to reach a compromise but talking about this is the first step to moving forward.

What to do?  Well, I ain't gonna drown or lie down or go away. I have a voice and I will use it. I can type and write and share my thoughts.  I have an able body and I will find a way to help. I will stand up for women, minorities, the LGBT-Q community, and others that feel unsafe or afraid. I will continue going to school so that I can help others deal with the issues that come from a nation divided because of race, religion, sex and gender.

As we near our home, he grabs my hand and smiles. He still loves me and I still love him. He tells me that he's the boy holding the string and I'm his kite. Our laughter carries us into our driveway.  He is right. He does keep me grounded when I get a little head strong.

For the rest of the night I have referred to him as #5 and I am #11. Our new terms of endearment to remind us that we might be a little bit on the opposite sides of our spectrum of activism but in the end we can still laugh and find comfort in our relationship.

I thought this meme I found the other day sums my personality up perfectly. Today I felt a lot more of the second part; but, tonight I have returned to the first part.  I do believe in peace, love, and light.

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