Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Sifting Through Life: I am Back and I Feel Great

Hello friends!

I have been on the wildest ride of my life over the last 4 months.  Emotionally draining me of everything.  What hit me?  I haven't the slightest idea other than to say I was hit with a case of the "nothingness".  

Remember I wrote about being lost in my own nothingness a while back?

Well it completely consumed my life.  I didn't feel depressed or sad.  It was a void that I could not escape. Where it came from I don't know.  It was just there looking at me each morning in the mirror and holding me at night while I rested.

To be honest I felt like a prisoner in my own mind and body. 

 Cory was constantly asking me, "Are you happy?"

I kept replying, "Yes." Happiness is a state of mind and I believed I was completely happy with myself, my life, my marriage and my blogging work.  

I lied.

Looking back I replied with what I thought everyone wanted to hear but inside I was scrambling to hold on to anything.  I felt so empty.  I really felt nothing: no joy, no sadness, no excitement, no heartache...nothing.

Nothing excited me.  I tried to write and couldn't find the words.  I tried to cook but the inspiration never made an appearance.  Trying to blog, write and cook without feeling excited about what you are doing is the worst feeling in the world.  I seriously contemplated closing the blog down and starting over.  

I soon realized that I was losing myself and I had to fight to get back.  My favorite set of words that I tell my kids are: "life is not worth living if you don't feel anything".  I was living my nightmare of not feeling anything.   I desperately wanted to feel something.  I long for the tallest mountain to climb.  I want to feel the burn in my legs, feel the sweat rolling down my arms and the tears on my cheeks.  I craved this kind of jolt back to life.

There is where I ran into a quandary of sorts because nothing was pulling me in one direction or the other.  What mountain could I possibly climb that would bring me such satisfaction?  I tried to quilt..no sparks.  I attempted some drawing...temporary satisfaction. I found myself sitting a lot.  Thinking to myself and searching for an answer.

I needed something to stick. My mind was yearning for a connection and the rush of a thrill when you attempt something new.  I tried to write more and nothing came.  I read books hoping to reconnect with old passions and still I sat and waited.  

This deep void caused me to ask myself some serious questions and to seek for help and answers.  In my attempt to be something I lost focus of what was in front of me.  I forgot that I am doing exactly what I set out to do 27 years ago when I got married and that is to be a MOM and a WIFE.  If this was my dream then why did I feel so lost?

As a kid I wanted a family and to be married.  I had small dreams of doing a few things but having a family is what I really wanted more than anything.  As you know it took us a while to start our family but once it got rolling we ended up with 4 amazing kids.  Here I am with 4 kids (my dream came true) and  yet I find myself wanting more.

More of what I don't know but I feel drained and tired.  Finding myself on autopilot is a frustrating place to be.  This is the life I wanted and I was coasting through it with a sense of failure.  How is this possible?

So what did I do? 

I started listening to the void.  Believe it or not the void has a very loud voice.  It has been telling me for a few years what I should be doing and I made a choice to not listen.  Through meditation and yoga I have gained a greater appreciation for where I am at in my life.  I am gaining acceptance that being a Mom is wonderful and I am doing exactly what I should be doing.  It is okay for me to want something for myself.  Listening to this void has allowed me to stay present.  In this mindset I have found peace.

I dug deep into my inner soul and found that I have left my own sense of value on the back burner and channeled all of my hopes, ambitions and desires into my kids and family.  This left me feeling empty and unfulfilled.  I realize that to be successful in anything we have to be willing to take care of ourselves before we can care for others.  I have to give back to me once in a while. Guilt is a huge hurdle for me to overcome and I am still working this mental block.

I visited some dreams and aspirations that I have longed to complete.  It sounds funny but I made a bucket list.  At the top of this list was to run again.  I started running after Isabella was born and loved it.  I am not a fast runner.  I am a slow and steady jogger.  I let my mind tell me I was not good at running and this defeated my dream of running in a few races.  Well, not anymore.  I have started training for a marathon.  I am on week 3 and I have never felt so good and alive. I have something that is allowing me to cry, my body to burn, my heart to swell and my passion to move forward.  I feel alive!

I couldn't escape the nagging feeling that I needed to run.  It seriously is a voice that keeps prompting me to get out and do it.  Each time the thought entered my mind I was the first to shut it down: you're too old, you're body can't and won't handle the training---that is complete bullshit!  Being 47 is not going to hold me back--I will run and I am running.  I am a runner!

Food--oh jeeeez here we go again! Again,  listening to that voice in my head I finally decided to follow it and do what it has been telling me for years.  Stop eating meat.  Yep!  I have given up meat and dairy.  I have not ever felt this good in my life and I ran 5 miles straight last week.  In my early years of running, even running 11 and 12 miles, I never felt this good and never ran that many miles in a row without having to take breaks.   I was having more and more issues that I could not overcome without changing my diet again.  My face is no longer red, my stomach doesn't hurt, I have lots of energy and I feel full.

I woke up this morning feeling alive again.  The past two months have been some of the strangest minutes in my life but also the most revealing.  Spending time with my deep self was scary and going into a place that left me vulnerable had its moments filled with tears and a few fears.  

Facing the feeling of this deep void was hard. Taking the time to figure it out was worth every second.  I woke up this morning and the words just started coming. 

Drinking my coffee this morning I looked at Cory and said, "I feel alive again. I don't want to quit my blog.  I love writing and cooking.  I love running. I have found peace in yoga and meditation.  I have found my community and it feels like the world is wide open.  I love being a Mom and a wife.  I feel like I can finally be my best because my cup is full."

"Welcome back", was his simple reply.

This is why after 27 years of marriage I truly love this man with all my heart.

Happy Anniversary Cory!

Oh and that amazing salad at the top:  Super simple!

Half an avocado
Pea Shoots
Yellow Apple
Extra Virgin Olive Oil
Balsamic Vinegar

....and a healthy appetite!


Written by Sherron Watson

Donut Breakfast Casserole

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