Sifting Through Life: Duck and Cover

I have had it.  I want out.  I want to quit.  I can't do this anymore.  It's over.    These are the thoughts that I have had the last few days.  I have felt so overwhelmed and under paid.  I work and care and work even harder and then care even more. I don't get anywhere with this blog.  I feel that it sits out here for the universe to ogle and that's about it.  I have poured my heart and soul into this forum for almost 4 years.  My love affair is waining.  I am tired.  The ideas are there but the time to create, make, photograph and edit are not.

The last few days have been tough.  I woke up on the wrong side of the bed for no apparent reason on Monday.  I could just feel that the universe was against me.  My mind was on over drive and the negative thoughts would not leave.   When this happens I feel blind sided.  We had just come off of a great weekend filled with bike riding, hiking and family time.  I should be in a great mood but I wasn't. Is this what menopause feels like? or am I truly just having a bad day.  

Finnley has been crying for days.  Is she hungry?  Is it her teeth?  Does she not feel good? SOMEONE please tell me why she cries all day long!  I wake up each day to the same routine and each day I talk myself through the crying.   Monday night Cory felt really bad for me.  He asked Rye if she would watch Finnley.  We ran out.  We went to McDonalds.  Yep--that greasy, fat filled establishment that I favor with my presence about two times a year.  This was my second.  The man knows how to make me feel better.

I ordered french fries and an ice tea.  I ate every single damn fry and could feel the tension melting away.  I totally unloaded on Cory every ounce of frustration, failure, and moment of feeling worthless that I have been experiencing through out the day.

Seriously--every single episode of this nature--Cory thanks GOD that he is not a woman.  In his attempt to sooth my moment of exhaustion and frustration he tells me that if I want to go back to work full time he would stay home (which is funny because we both work from home now) and be a stay at home Dad.  I laughed until the table next to us started to eye us with suspension.  I think they wanted what we had in our fries.

I love him.  Oh, if it was that easy.  After all, we know how easy it is to be a stay at home anything--Mom or Dad.   The reality is it doesn't have anything to do with me being a stay at home Mom.  I believe it has more to do with being tired.  I had let myself get to a point where I was on over-drive and running myself on empty.  I didn't allow myself to refuel the "engine" and start fresh.

This self induce moment of hysteria was all because I sometimes forget to let myself have a down day.  I drive my creativity to the brink of crazy and then wonder why I have melt downs that equal that of a nuclear plant.

I expressed on my facebook page that I needed to take the day off.  The support I got was overwhelming.  It felt good.  I felt that I was being given permission to stop for a day and recover, regroup and refuel my inner self.

My friend Linda said to me, "It's okay to duck and cover sometimes".  She is a wise woman.

I  know it to be true.  How do I make sure it happens before I get to the point of an epic melt down?

So what did I do yesterday?  I took the day off.  I read a book.  I took a nap while Finnley slept.  I told Isabella it was a sick day and she could do what ever she wanted to do for homeschool.  I got a new phone.  We ate out.

I slept like a baby last night and woke up this morning feeling better.

Much, much better.

Written by Sherron Watson