I have had it. I want out. I want to quit. I can't do this anymore. It's over. These are the thoughts that I have had the last few days. I have felt so overwhelmed and under paid. I work and care and work even harder and then care even more. I don't get anywhere with this blog. I feel that it sits out here for the universe to ogle and that's about it. I have poured my heart and soul into this forum for almost 4 years. My love affair is waining. I am tired. The ideas are there but the time to create, make, photograph and edit are not.
The last few days have been tough. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed for no apparent reason on Monday. I could just feel that the universe was against me. My mind was on over drive and the negative thoughts would not leave. When this happens I feel blind sided. We had just come off of a great weekend filled with bike riding, hiking and family time. I should be in a great mood but I wasn't. Is this what menopause feels like? or am I truly just having a bad day.
Finnley has been crying for days. Is she hungry? Is it her teeth? Does she not feel good? SOMEONE please tell me why she cries all day long! I wake up each day to the same routine and each day I talk myself through the crying. Monday night Cory felt really bad for me. He asked Rye if she would watch Finnley. We ran out. We went to McDonalds. Yep--that greasy, fat filled establishment that I favor with my presence about two times a year. This was my second. The man knows how to make me feel better.
I ordered french fries and an ice tea. I ate every single damn fry and could feel the tension melting away. I totally unloaded on Cory every ounce of frustration, failure, and moment of feeling worthless that I have been experiencing through out the day.
Seriously--every single episode of this nature--Cory thanks GOD that he is not a woman. In his attempt to sooth my moment of exhaustion and frustration he tells me that if I want to go back to work full time he would stay home (which is funny because we both work from home now) and be a stay at home Dad. I laughed until the table next to us started to eye us with suspension. I think they wanted what we had in our fries.
I love him. Oh, if it was that easy. After all, we know how easy it is to be a stay at home anything--Mom or Dad. The reality is it doesn't have anything to do with me being a stay at home Mom. I believe it has more to do with being tired. I had let myself get to a point where I was on over-drive and running myself on empty. I didn't allow myself to refuel the "engine" and start fresh.
This self induce moment of hysteria was all because I sometimes forget to let myself have a down day. I drive my creativity to the brink of crazy and then wonder why I have melt downs that equal that of a nuclear plant.
I expressed on my facebook page that I needed to take the day off. The support I got was overwhelming. It felt good. I felt that I was being given permission to stop for a day and recover, regroup and refuel my inner self.
My friend Linda said to me, "It's okay to duck and cover sometimes". She is a wise woman.
I know it to be true. How do I make sure it happens before I get to the point of an epic melt down?
So what did I do yesterday? I took the day off. I read a book. I took a nap while Finnley slept. I told Isabella it was a sick day and she could do what ever she wanted to do for homeschool. I got a new phone. We ate out.
I slept like a baby last night and woke up this morning feeling better.
Much, much better.