Rye and I went to New York City last week for three days.
I love this city. I first went with a group of friends seven years ago and my love has only grown deeper for the hustle and bustle of the cement garden with all of its beauty, noise, yellow taxi's and Broadway shows.
I come alive when my feet hit the ground. I don't stop and I barely sleep.
I eat and eat and eat. To the point, that Rye asked me if I was ever going to get full. I think the fact that my body doesn't stop tells my stomach that it needs to be nourished and feed constantly.
If I stop and really think about why I love this city one word comes to mind: anonymity. The ability to be so embedded in a group of people that nobody knows who you are. Nobody knows your weaknesses, your thoughts, how you dress at home, what you eat when someone is watching you.
The truth...nobody knows you.
Nobody knows me.
It is a place that I feel safe to just be me.
In New York City we saw two shows. One a musical and one a drama. We based our decision on who the leads were in the productions. We saw The Cripple of Inishmaan with Daniel Radcliffe and IF/THEN with Idina Menzel.
I first saw Idina Menzel in Wicked on Broadway. I immediately fell in love with her voice. When I hear her voice, I note a rasp that sounds like perfection to me unskilled ears. Yet, she can hit those high notes and then, all in the same breadth, dig to the depths of the lower scale. The small theater is beholden to her stage presence. One can almost touch the sound that is swirling about the room. Her sound. Her voice.
I came home wanting to hear more of her sound, that big voice. To connect with the emotion and release that music has a way of doing. I bought Isabella the soundtrack from Frozen. Idina sings a song, Let it Go. I had heard this song before but never paid any attention to the words. I like the beat and I could sing the chorus. It was catchy. It was a Disney tune.
BUT--I felt something. Something inside me said , "learn the words".
I drove my daughter to college the other day (yes, we still only have one car for a family of six and four drivers--CRAZY, I know). On the way, I decided to listen to this song. I really listened to the words.
I began to hum, to try and follow the words. Make up the words I didn't know. Then I stopped the car.
I got the music out and sat in my drive way. I read each line with an intensity that felt as though I was being directed to read these words.
I cranked the volume and I belted out this song. Not once, but three times. Back to back.
So loud and with such conviction that I became hoarse. And---free. With each word that I sang I let it all out. The fear, the hurt, the sadness, the love...the broken heart. My five year old self, my fifteen year old self, my twenty five year old self...my yesterday self.
Let it go.
The words, let it go, had such an impact on me that I realized how closed I have been. How much I have been living in fear. How controlling my thoughts have become over the coarse of the last three years. Trying desperately to protect my heart, my mind and my body from being hurt again.
I have been hiding. Burying my pain. Trying to create an external world so that my internal heart and mind are protected. I was trying to control the universe when all I can truly control is myself.
I bought a book titled, The Untethered Soul, by Michael A. Singer.
What a gift to myself. His words are teaching me to release the fear and pain. To let it go.
To process the feelings and release them. It is teaching me to stay present. To be mindful. To live.
I woke up this morning feeling excited and free. I am no longer going to let the past control my actions, my thoughts or my life.
I am going to let it ALL go. Let it go through me as the wind that passes through my hair on a windy day. I will feel it but I will not hold on to it. I will not bury it for a later date.
I feel free today. I feel new.
It feels amazing!
We all deserve to be happy and to have our minds at peace. I am learning that this takes work and that my inner voice is not always looking out for my best interest. I must learn to watch it but not to listen to it. Not to give it permission to protect me anymore.
I am encouraging everyone to go and blast some music, sing your heart out and let it go.
Be okay with you.
Just-- let it go!