It has been a while since my last "sifting through life" update.
I can't believe the holiday season is already gone and I am left sitting here looking at a new calendar for the year 2014.
I have decided to do more writing this year. I miss writing my thoughts down and purging the chaos that swirls around in my mind. I say chaos because there is a certain amount of insanity that comes from carrying around bewildered thoughts, lost philosophies and mindless wranglings of the soul.
My friend Jamie, from Life's a Feast, recently shared a quote on her facebook page and it has stuck with me for over a week.
A non-writing writer is a monster courting
insanity.- Franz Kafka, Letters
I find this quote beautiful--full of context in one small,yet simple sentence.
Why would this resonate so strongly within my being? I believe it is because I don't write. I don't express my views, share my opinions, stage my course in life through words-through my blog or anywhere else for that matter. I really only share my true feelings and thoughts with my husband.
My life took a very different path last year. Finding out that I was pregnant at 45 was both a shock and a joy. I wrangled with heart ache each month as it would appear something new was happening within my body that caused many sleepless nights. The fear I had of expressing those heart wrenching experiences in a written form, only to have to reread them and see there permanence, if something had happened to Finnley--was too much.
Too, too much.
So I did nothing. I slowed my blog down. I quit writing. There were days that I quit thinking. I could only focus on having a healthy baby.
Vowing to do anything if only she would be born healthy and happy.
I became consumed with eating the right things, helping Isabella with school and running my big kids back and forth to work. I functioned only in the confines of my own home and family. Anything outside of the walls that I lived in became non existent in my mind.
I developed a pattern that would allow me to function until Finnley entered this world. My fear of miscarrying was always in the back of my mind. I have had several losses and those are very painful experiences. As I grew bigger with Finnley and I could feel her moving inside of me, my thoughts calmed. The fear became less and less of an obvious occupant of my mind.
Not completely though. I discovered with this last pregnancy that I held back a little bit, a small section of my heart for this new little love of my life. I had to be ready, prepared and possibly, capable of detaching myself from the situation, in the event of an unhappy ending.
Thankfully it went well. She is healthy and full of life. I reflect on that time in the delivery room and the moment I saw her for the first time: relief, love, joy and tears spilled abundantly out of me. It was during this quick moment of realization that I discovered how much I had held back from fully enjoying being pregnant. Then it dawned on me that I had done the exact same thing with Drake and Isabella.
I kept a small window open. I couldn't give it all. I was afraid.
Fear causes us to do strange things. We think odd thoughts. I found myself playing the "what if" game constantly last year.
This is a New Year and I don't want anymore "what-ifs". I want peace and quiet for my inner self. I am talking inwardly, not the motion of my family or what work has to contribute to my journey.
Just peace and quiet for my inner sanctuary so that I can remain present for my kids and husband. Enjoy the now. Live in the moment. Go with the flow of energy that becomes like a flame when you see clearly and it shines bright.
I want to shine. To smile. To breathe. To live.
I would never say I wasted 2013 because I did not. What I did do was put my own goals and ideas on hold for a special addition to join our family. I still have concerns, heck I am a parent, for my kids, but I also want to find some time for me. I will always carry concerns and worries about my kids. I just hope that in 2014 I am a better person than I was in 2013. I hope that I can manage to do more.
More service, more giving, more developing my talents. MORE.
I made a list. I don't usually do this. I find the older I get, I need list though. This brain and mind of mine don't seem to store things like it used to. I have too many people pulling me in multiple directions to keep my thoughts centered on what I hope to accomplish.
My list is:
1. Write more.
2. Love and laugh more.
3. Run a 1/2 Marathon with my friend.
4. Keep a journal.
5. Lose 10 pounds (extra baby weight).
6. Ride my bike.
7. Play the piano and my flute more.
8. Be on social media less.
9. Finish up a few quilting projects.
10. Donate my time to more worthy causes.
These are just personal goals. I always want to spend more time with my family, make sure Cory and I have date night every week and strive to live a worthy life.
I will continue my Friday post of updates, events, thoughts and pictures with Sifting Through Life entries.
I am excited to write again.